Most all of what I do every day is defined for me. What more might I want from God? Life is easy when I act in a wholesome manner. Things happen though. For instance, my mother has a cognitive disorder. She’s a lovely wholesome person. She’s 82. Her prognosis for communicating with others is not good. She is often unable to “find” words and it is getting more difficult for her. The disease may progress to a point when she won’t be able to speak with anyone and she will perhaps also not be able to write coherent messages. Long after becoming unable to speak or write messages, she will still understand others. I was devastated as I realized that she’ll be alone in her head. She works to maintain her ability to communicate using daily activities that may stave off the progress of her disease. My father died a few years ago. He had a different cognitive disorder that affected his memory. He knew about his confusion, unlike with advance Alzheimer disorder, as his disease was advanced, he was aware that he couldn’t remember things. He just didn’t know what facts were missing. He was almost 86. He was healthy enough to take care of his own basic needs until a few weeks before he died. He became always confused for about four months before his death. I may inherit one or both of my parent’s cognitive disorders.
I never learned that God rescues us from life’s problems. In fact, I learned that this life is going to include pain. I was told that there is a better life that depends on a plan that I won’t be able to fully understand. I was told to pray that I would always be willing to do what is right. I was schooled to pray for my basic needs to be met and for forgiveness. I was taught that every person is imperfect and that no matter what my brain tells me that I am imperfect and that I will always require God’s forgiveness for as long as I am alive on this Earth. I learned that if I judge others that I will be judged. I came to see after some time that this is as it is. I may rebel if I choose to do so. I may claim to be a victim if I choose to do so. I may curse others if I choose to do so. I’ve done all of those things. I did not receive any pleasure from those rebellious actions. Occasionally, I felt some temporary pleasure, but that faded usually very quickly away as I began to see that I was acting for instance in a superior manner. I learned from this rebelliousness that I am always in some ways fallible and weak. I’d somehow been mistakenly thinking that I was smart, just and right. I liked believing that I was smart, just and right. It took me a long time to learn to follow directions. Life began too be much easier. I am somewhat smart, just and right. I say what’s on my mind. Sometimes I don’t know what is smart, just and right. Then, I say so since that is what is actually true. Occasionally I get this wrong, but not so often anymore. I listen and I act in authority when it is given to me. Sometimes I get this wrong too. Otherwise, if wrong, or if unsure, I know that I am to await in humility directions from an authority.
I learned that some people don’t believe in God. It took me a bit of studying to see that this isn’t my problem. In fact, if someone chooses not to believe in God, I learned that they may still prefer wholesome honest truth from me. This makes it easy for me to get along with an atheist. I have nothing to prove about my beliefs. I noticed that it is sometimes more difficult to converse with a Christian. I don’t worry about that anymore.
I learned that I need God. I learned that I need other people. I learned to do my work. I learned to raise my children. I learned to value people by what works that they do. I learned that if I ask God for good things for myself and others that I need to look for good things in myself and others. I learned that I can be fooled for a time. So, I learned that I must be diligent in my seeking of good about myself and others. The more carefully I look for good, the more good that I see. I learned that if I think I see wrong, that it is usually good to say something like: “That seems wrong to me.” I notice that it is good usually to wait before I say more. If I’m not asked to explain, I’ve noticed it is usually best to leave it alone. Sometimes I do this some other way and usually I regret doing so. I learned that I am not effective or right or smart and just with everybody. Some people are more difficult for me to converse with. I am learning to be helpful to the most difficult people that I meet or know but that sometimes the best help is to stand back and just say something like: “I’ll help you if you want me.” I am learning to leave it alone if people don’t want my help. I am learning that I will never know enough.
These are the answers to my prayers. If I ask God for a miracle, I believe that He will give it to me. I believe this because I am the miracle that He made from the arrogant fool that I once was. I was not capable to do that on my own.
I have no idea why God would seem to not give to you what you pray for. I hope that you will be a caring and wholesome person while this is going on.
Thanks for writing a good post. I got to put into words what usually I don’t take time to consider. I’ve gotten more than my share of God’s grace and mercy.